They Blinded Me With Science

A 1966 video about the future of the modern family computer failed to predict that 99 per cent of the content of the computer would be spam/internet porn - that would in time make computer use a living hell

I was thinking about all the things I hate about modern life and I suppose what annoys me most is technology. To put it in a nutshell what is interesting about it? Nothing really. The Internet is a swirling sewer where you occasionally fish out a gold nugget in the sludge. Additionally, the vast majority of technology has no benefit to modern life. My pet peeves are:

Tivo

I went to a party recently and someone had all the Olympics on Tivo and kept forwarding and rewinding backwards and forwards to the 'interesting bits' -well there were no interesting bits but you know what I mean. And I just thought yeah you have a machine than can go forwards and backwards and record stuff while you are out but the actual content is as interesting as watching paint dry/a man lying on a luge trying not to be killed so why is this of any interest to man or beast?

If I want to see a wardrobe malfunction where someone's bum explodes from their bobsled costume I'll go straight to youtube and bypass the sixteen hours Tivo viewing thank you very much:




BlackBerry

I go to a party and people are constantly on their BlackBerry. They constantly want to show me their new apps. Like that stupid Cowbell App. Oh God could you be any more retarded? Don't go to a party and play with your BlackBerry okay it is totally uncool.

Self Checkout

To be honest I have a love hate relationship with the self checkout. I am not one of life's multitaskers and the idea of having to pack groceries and find change at the supermarket at the same time puts me in a tailspin. One thing I hate generally is money and having to fiddle about with quarters, dimes etc especially at the self checkout till. I was initially attracted to the self checkout facility because if you buy expensive apples you can ring them through as the cheap ones which always gives me a thrill. I also thought it would be a great way to shop lift like put two bars of chocolate on top of eachother and just scan one bar code but they seemed to be wise to the mind of the anarchist shopper and as soon as you do that a mechanized voice says "You dirty rotten cheat get out of this shop and don't ever come again may you rot in hell for eternity." No actually it just says: "Remove all items from the checkout and start again." But basically it does not allow any funny business.

I always go to the self checkout because I pay in cash and I calculate the amount of stuff I have as I go so if I have too much stuff I can leave that bag of frozen peas to melt all over the floor. Then you have to put all these pennies in this slot. Once I actually didn't have enough money and I rang the bell for the assistant to remove one item from the bill and a guy behind me was so pissed off that I'd been scanning food for twenty minutes and scrabbling for pennies all over the floor that he said: "Look here's five dollars. Merry Christmas." So that's one strategy you might like to try in shops - be a slow pain in the arse on the self scanner and see if the person will pay for your groceries. Warning: this technique may also result in supermarket rage - I have seen fist fights in supermarkets at Christmas over people resentful of others in front of them in the 'ten items or less queue' with carts full of five hundred items. Understandable but no need for fists okay?

Another thing that is absolutely awesome about the self checkout is that people always forget things at the end of the checkout - I mean food - so I always take whatever is there as a freebie - it isn't my fault their heads were spinning so much by having to do their signature with that fake pencil on the computer screen that they forgot to take home their groceries now is it?

Cell Phones

I only have one because a friend bought me one after saying "I can never get hold of you." Mostly the phone is uncharged and consequently totally useless. I would be more than happy to go back to those telephone exchanges featuring those delectable dolly birds. I'm serious, life is so impersonal these days. Can you believe that for some people their only human contact today will be getting a telemarketer's call?

Well I could go on....

Cars

I hate cars with a passion/vengeance. Why have these stinking beasts on our roads? What was wrong with the horse and cart?

Modern Contraception

Also don't get me on modern contraception which has all sorts of side effects - what was wrong with wearing reinforced bloomers with a mousetrap hidden in them or keeping your knees together?

Or wearing a corset so tight it squashed the living daylights out of your ovaries etc etc.

So go on release your inner old git - what do you hate most about modern life?

Inspired by a prompt over at Sleep Is For The Weak.