So, collective amnesia has once again hit us. Everywhere people are saying, "I didn't see this recession coming. It came out of nowhere. I am angry because the value of my house has collapsed."
Now maybe I'm missing something important here but Governments tend to spend money with impunity until the coffers are empty and someone notices and says, "Oh shit." More to the point, house prices do not keep rising, then get to a certain point, then plateau, then collapse like a stack of cards. Also, there is a recession every ten years or so. So why be 'surprised' when the shit hits the fan after you spent the last ten years borrowing money, living beyond your means, buying a house you couldn't afford and not diversifying your investments?
I don't know, I just don't get it. I thought most sensible people saved money in case they were made redundant. I guess this is not the case. Okay, I'll get off my soap box.
Right now maybe some of you might want to poke my eyes out (and if there are any flamers out there this is the time to leap in and tell me I know jack all about economics or that I am an airhead - I love these kinds of belligerent comments and receive them all too rarely so please don't be shy and jump right in!) So maybe you have been laid off, have chickens in the back yard or are running your car on chip grease. But you still aren't making ends meet. So what should you do? Tell me this: Can you beg, borrow or steal a sheaf of paper and a pencil? If you can you can become an author. Don't worry if you have nothing to say or are intellectually challenged. Dubya just landed a $7 million book deal and he doesn't even know how to successfully eat a pretzel.
I am getting a little bit tired of saying that all the books out there are for people with the IQ of a Dubya. There are plenty of quality books out there. Here's just a few of the best to inspire you:
The Tinkerbell Hilton Diaries: My Life Tailing Paris Hilton (Paperback) by Tinkerbell Hilton
An inspirational journey by one of the world's most famous Chihuahuas. Follow Tinkerbell as she accompanies her mistress to a colonic irrigation clinic and to a hair extension clinic. Full of doggerel, this book is brim-full of barking humour that will have you licking your balls with delight.
Katie Prices Perfect Ponies by Katie Price aka Jordan
Katie Price proves that not only has she made money from four ghostwritten novels called Angel and Hair Pasta and Crystal and Meth, she can also write about horses. Well, it keeps her in polka dot kneesocks.
If you're worried that you're neither a millionairess's chihuahua or have big breasts, don't let that stop you. Why not pick a famous inanimate object and write a biography on it? I am personally working on Diary of Camilla Parker Bowles' Tampon. It's sure to be an absorbing classic that can fit into the slimmest of spaces.
Give me the book titles you are working on. Let's support eachother here, take literature to new depths and make some dough at the same time!
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28 comments:
Regarding your book 'Diary of Camilla Parker Bowles' Tampon'...
Are there any strings attached to your publishing contract?
MJ....Now that I recall there were some strings attached but they seem to have disappeared into the Black Hole of Calcutta. I blame Old Knudson and his turnip.
Ok Emma you've inspired me. Off to write memoirs of "The Lost Diaries of Lord Lucan's Moustache", "Jacko's Llama Spits and Speaks" and to get a swipe at the lucrative misery memoir/serial killer genre too, "Harold Shipman's Medical Bag Opens Up".
We're not bitter!
Misssy M....bitter? Who you calling bitter?
All right you got me, I WOULD like to wring that pen wielding chihuahua's neck.
A third grader with nothing more prescient than a Speak 'n' Spell could have seen this recession coming. We need to smack ourselves silly.
Well. There you go. Moi's latest book: How to Smack Your Own Damn Self for Being Such a Dumb Ass and Living Beyond Your Dumb Ass Means. You Dumb Ass.
I'm going to write a book titled:
"Lard and Water - The Depression Cookbook"
It will detail real back to basics recipes and how to feed your family of 13 on $40 a week.
Because??
I am sick to death of all these "we're in a depression", "this recession has yet to get worse", "blah diddy blah" comments.
Depression my anus. Don't tell me you have no money when you are still eating gourmet meals, going to the movies, driving two cars, getting your hair done at the hairdressers etc.
Our forefathers knew what depression was about. Try feeding a dozen kids on the smell of an oily rag while your husband trudges off to his job in the coal mines - on foot - because there is no way you can afford a car, let alone two.
Harden up you bunch of soft cocks and stop spending money on shite and start saving it for if the days do get dark.
***** rant over ******
Does your novel have wings and an absorbent inner lining? Will it enable the reader to rollerskate? If so you could be onto a winner. I'm thinking of writing a novel about Monica Lewinski's soap powder but feel I may have missed the boat there.
I'd love to post an inflammatory comment but I tend to agree with your synopsis. House prices rise and fall all the time. I prefer to value things sentimentally unless I'm selling them. I have no plans to move house at the moment so din't give a shit if the ol' homestead hits negative equity. It's still my pride and joy and keeps the rain out.
Non-fiction:
TOTALLY FUCKED — If I Had Buried My Money In The Backyard Instead Of Investing In A Stock-Based 401K, I Would Have More Money Now
I can feel your frustration beneath all the light-hearted quipping, Emma. It's quite sexy in a way.
I'm writing a book entitled 'Dunking Through History - from pickled bats to Creme eggs', it will be free with boxes of PG Tips.
Sx
moi.....
How to Smack Your Own Damn Self for Being Such a Dumb Ass and Living Beyond Your Dumb Ass Means. You Dumb Ass.
That book title kicks ass. Pitch it! Pitch it!
Jules...
Harden up you bunch of soft cocks and stop spending money on shite and start saving it for if the days do get dark.
oh Jules baby, you and I are kindred spirits. I couldn't have put it better myself.
Steve...
Does your novel have wings and an absorbent inner lining?
yes
Will it enable the reader to rollerskate? If so you could be onto a winner.
Absolutely, but she must be wearing white microshorts as we all do on our period days!
What about a Book called Monica Lewinsky's Spunky Dress Speaks.
No need to thank me. A large cheque will suffice. Ta v much.
xl...
TOTALLY FUCKED — If I Had Buried My Money In The Backyard Instead Of Investing In A Stock-Based 401K, I Would Have More Money Now
I hope that is not you, if it is my sympathies xx
Gorilla Bananas...
Oh I was just in a bad mood.
A book written by a retarded chihuahua? I mean really. You are the only animal I read and that is only because there is a strong connection between us ;)
scarlet-blue...
'Dunking Through History - from pickled bats to Creme eggs'
I would definately buy that but it would need Nigella Lawson type food porn photos of you in it, soft focus stuff of you in negligees demonstrating what to do with the eggs etc.
I'm writing a biography called "Shirley McClaine's 12th Life as a Booger"
The economics thing you put very well ... except ...
This time round the people who saved and didn't over-extend themselves are being punished.
I saw this coming and fixed my mortgage, reduced my debts and made some savings.
My heavily indebted friend now phones me an laughs. "My six-bed house now costs less than yours becuase I'm paying zero interest. My loans are cheaper and I'm really glad I spunked all my money on holidays and a jacuzzi in the back garden."
Ditto the fuckwads next door. Scrounging off the dole and living in a house not disimilar to my own. I often work a fifty hour week getting up at 2.30 am.
The truth is that this time things are different. Very different. I've never seen before the hard working, cautious and prudent being shaken down for the benefit of the reckless and feckless.
I don't really know what's happening in the US. But if this is how the people who are supposed to be its backbone are treated the Britain is soooo fucked.
I'm working on a guide to cheap renovations called 'Houses of Cards', in which I explain how easy it actually is to build a home from several million decks of cards.
I've just finished a lovely beach house in a 'Spades' motif...
We need more aspirational picture books for the tiny tots.
"Boardroom Dickwads Sew Mailbags", Topsy and Tim Give An Investment Broker The Kicking Of His Life Because He's Skimmed The Fuck Out Of Their Pension Plan and Gordon's Forgetful Day would have a place on our shelves.
I am so embarrassed. 7 million! But hey, maybe he'll donate it to charity! Yeah and monkeys might fly out his butt. And I wouldn't be a bit surprised if they did.
VE
I'm writing a biography called "Shirley McClaine's 12th Life as a Booger"
Sounds very exciting!
electro-kevin....yes things are very different here than in the UK - I suppose in the UK you start off with a house you can barely afford because house prices are that much higher and by now you are fucked (although if you had a fixed rate mortgage why are you fucked). I have my sympathies for people in the UK - but the situation here is so different. When I first got here I could not believe how cheap house prices were. Okay Baltimore is the equivalent of Norwich say, but ten years ago one could get a perfectly nice three bed for $70,000 which until recently would now be worth about $250,000 (prices have stagnated now). So providing you could afford it most people would have been able to buy a house way way below what they could afford. Of course most people did not do this. They maxed themselves out on a big new house or took variable mortgages they could not afford.
We have done all right because we bought a ridiculously cheap house at a ridiculously low fixed rate and the cost of living here is low and my husband's income is high (but would not be high in the UK). Imagine if you will anyone in the UK even being able to live on one income! yes you are right you have probably been screwed by the govt.
fingers...
Sounds very innovative and will sure to be snapped up by Britney Spears and the rest of the celebs with more money than sense.
Kevin Musgrove...
"Boardroom Dickwads Sew Mailbags", Topsy and Tim Give An Investment Broker The Kicking Of His Life Because He's Skimmed The Fuck Out Of Their Pension Plan and Gordon's Forgetful Day would have a place on our shelves.
I think you should pitch this to a publisher immediately. Why should kids be cushioned from the harsh realities of life?
Beverly Hamilton Wenham...
7 million!
yes seems a bit silly since I am sure his book will end up in the bargain bins prices at $2!
I would definately buy that but it would need Nigella Lawson type food porn photos of you in it, soft focus stuff of you in negligees demonstrating what to do with the eggs etc.
I've just rung a photographer friend ;o)
Sx
Thanks for such a full answer.
You don't mind me not being fun all the time ?
Dubya..ok, ok, Karl Rove...never misunderestimated how gullible the average voter is. What is really amazing is that America hasn't sent a mob-posse down to Crawford to haul his sorry ass to Washington for some payback.
Why is Bush off the hook?
HELLO! Guess who let the Foxes run the Hen House for 8 f*cking years.
Where has Cheney slithered off to..back to Halliberton? He made them about $55 Trillon do you suppose that they will be grateful?
I knew that the American Press went into a coma after 9/11 but you would think that some of them might want to get back into journalism?
Sure the marketplace is cyclical but this meltdown was exascerbated by the the wanton unbridled avarice of corporate America that was let off the leash by the previous administration.
Remember how Dubya damaged the adage..
"There's an old saying in Tennessee — I know it's in Texas, probably in Tennessee — that says, Fool me once, shame on — shame on you.
Fool me — you can't get fooled again."
What is so disturbing is that this cowboy won twice and everybody is so embarrased that they just want him to go away so that they can forget that they got fooled twice...Shame on you.
"Democracy is the theory that the common people know what they want, and deserve to get it good and hard." H. L. Mencken
Well America, now how does it feel to get it good and hard? The Karmic Boomerang came right back and hit you in the nuts.
..and I hate to admit it but Katie Price does have perfect ponies..
*coyote howls in the distance
Entering shame spiral in
3
2
1
now
Emma, I'd been thrilled and delighted to ride you until the recession is over and then into the next bull market! ;)
I can't flame you on this post because I agree with you. Personality responsibility to live within ones means and even save some, as opposed to living on credit cards and unaffordable mortgage debt in the form of an adjustable rate mortgage would have softened, if not prevented, the mess we are in.
I have to disagree with donncoppens. However much you may hate, dislike or disagree with former President Bush, you can not fairly place all of the blame on him for this mess. There is even blame to deservedly go around.
As Emma notes, individuals need to take responsibility for their lifestyle choices. If Fannie and Freddie weren't accepting and encouraging risky loans, and if the Democrats and some Republicans weren't coercing or encouraging banks to make the risky loans, the need for securitized mortgages to fund them wouldn't have exploded. Democrats and Republicans alike didn't want to change the regulations for their own political purposes. And too his credit, even though a little late, President Bush at least tried to change the regulations and start curbing Freddie and Fannie from accepting and encouraging risky loans, but the Democrats and Republicans in Congress blocked the effort.
What I find frightening is that the President and the Democrats find it easier to blame everything on the former President and Greedy Wall Street executives and bankers while exonerating themselves or their policies which contributed to the financial meltdown. Then the President can continue to pursue and accelerate those policies, like finding ways to continue and further risky loans for home ownership. Heck, as long as the government is guaranteeing them, how can it go wrong?
Then again, I could be wrong ...
donn coppens...
Why is Bush off the hook?
you tell me, by my reckoning he should be in prison. He is part of the problem, but lack of personal responsibility is the other part of the problem re subprimes etc.
Sure the marketplace is cyclical but this meltdown was exascerbated by the the wanton unbridled avarice of corporate America that was let off the leash by the previous administration.
yes yes and yes
so why now Obama is trying to regulate underperforming companies and nationalize others do you have hysterical people like that witch Ann Coulter screaming against 'socialism' as if there were something inherently wrong with socialism or putting a cap on corporate greed and huge bonuses paid to CEOs etc?
jford...
I'd been thrilled and delighted to ride you until the recession is over and then into the next bull market!
Thanks for the offer but I think we'd both end up pretty sore the bull market will take at least two years to appear I think!
electro-kevin..
I eee I will always love you
(sung in Whitney Houston voice)
I left America after being made redundant. We shall see if Australia is any better... Fucking off Down Under for money Hmm...that doesn't sound quite right.
actually, the book i have been working on the last few years is "after the lawnmower shop" which is why i made it the name of my blog...i haven't finished...don't know if i ever will, and it is as everything else a work in progress
Emma,
I guess it depends on what your definition of socialism is. I do believe it is inherently unworkable and restricts freedom and economic growth necessary to benefit all. I appreciate that Capitalism does not benefit everyone equally, but I do believe it is the lesser of all evils in terms of providing everyone the best chance of using their abilities to advance themselves in whatever way is important to them.
I truly dislike Ann Coulter. Even when she makes a point I agree with, she often says it with such venom, disdain and contempt that I feel dirty for agreeing with the point she made. She, unfortunately, is not the only such talking head on both sides of the aisle.
Regarding regulating the market place, I do not have a knee jerk reaction against regulations and keep an open mind since there are areas that need to be regulated. My problem is that most regulations are ideologically based, and lack a reasonable response to a specific problem. Too often they fail to achieve the claimed objective and actually make it worse.
I have the same initial emotional response to executive compensation and bonuses, but I strongly object to the pompous outrage expressed by our politicians and the quick action to tax the bonus' without at least holding hearings and learning the facts. For example, how many upper management AIG executives were fired or laid off prior to the bonuses being issued? Were the management personnel retained risk analyst who had warned against the risky investments but who were ignored by upper level management? If that were the case, would you still be as upset with the bonus situations? I realize that we are talking about more money paid out in a year than most of will make in a life time, but isn't that a fact you would want to know.
I certainly do not want government to be setting executive compensation across the board for all industries as is being proposed; and I certainly have my doubts about letting the federal government decide which business is critical to the economy and needs to be taken over for the good of the country. There are just too many political considerations in that equation which has nothing to do with how companies are profitably run.
"Thanks for the offer but I think we'd both end up pretty sore the bull market will take at least two years to appear I think!"
I agree that the market may take two years to recover, and probably longer, if all of the President's plans are adopted. Again, ramming through major legislation without adequate debate and thought usually means that policies are adopted that will delay the recovery. At least I see many things in the stimulus bill that will delay and hurt the recovery. I haven't had a chance to read the entire proposed budget, but I am working on it.
Yes we will be sore, but I think it would be well worth it! ;)
Why don't we both increase our stamina by doing the Nancy Pelosi workout tape ...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=izpU4YJ0ZAA
Kathryn....Oh baby I love it! Hope you make lots of money down under.
Daisy....you should finish it. I for one would love to read it.
jford....thanks for the workout video and your explanations as to why the word socialism is such a hot button for so many Americans. I suppose I am from England where it is not a dirty word!! Ie it would not be an insult to call someone a socialist in the UK - and someone who was really a radical lefist in the UK would be a person who more or less embraced communism and the 'redistribution of wealth' - so I see it means something very different on this side of the pond.
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