So, there was this anthropologist bloke at Harvard called Frank Marlowe, and all the other anthropologists wanted to gouge his eyes out. Why? Because he had somehow managed to wangle a research grant to study the important subject of Why Do Most Men Prefer Big Tits?
Down the pub his friends would glare at him with barely concealed loathing.
"Look at many tits today did you, for your research?" one older prof sporting knee socks and sandals would ask.
"A couple of dozen," Marlowe would reply, smug as you like.
"Big ones?" another sandal wearer would ask.
"Pretty big, yeah."
"You bastard!" one of the graduate students would cry, lunging for Marlowe's throat. "And here's me, having to slave away on my dreary topic, The Extinction of the Australian Pygmies. I'll kill you!"
Once the grant money ran out, old Frank had to publish a paper to justify his, er, research. So he comes up with an evolutionary theory that in ancestral times there were no calendars and women had no concept of time. Since ancestral man relied on visual clues including hip to waist ratio to indicate good fertility, he was largely left scratching his head when he saw a tasty looking bird with nice hips and a tiny waist. His question was always, "Should I bother shagging this lady if she is old (i.e. over sixteen), and consequently maybe not end up with an heir? How the hell can I tell how old she is?"
The answer, which was staring Marlowe in the face, was this: Small tits don't sag so much over time, so are no indicator of age, whereas big ones do sag with age. Consequently, men were attracted to women with big firm tits because they indicated they were young and fertile. Er, right. Well, I suppose it's a convincing enough theory, only, why, via evolution, didn't small breasted women did out if less men wanted to do them? I'll save you another few years 'research' shall I Frank, it's because (most) men will shag anything (female).
I got this info from a book called Why Beautiful People Have More Daughters (yes, no need to point out that I am beautiful and have two daughters, and I'm sure would have had dozens more daughters had husband not had the snip).
Someone else in the book had done research on why humans are the only mammals to have a bell end on the end of their knobs. It is because human females have always been promiscuous, and the combination of thrusting and the wedge on the end of the penis pulled down and expelled much of the sperm ejaculated by the last guy who'd been inside the lady. Please don't ask me how this research was conducted.
Now then, if there are any evolutionary psychologists out there I need you to do a paper on The Evolutionary Function of the Clitoris. If, as some scientists claim, the tremors of female orgasm suck sperm up to the egg, ergo female orgasm is useful if not essential for reproduction, why in the name of God or whoever invented it, is the clitoris the diameter of a pencil eraser and why does it require considerable dexterity to stimulate it? Did primal man stimulate the clitoris while thrusting and expelling the last guy's sperm or did the cave woman stimulate herself? Answers on a postcard please.
Who am I? Displaced Londoner now living in the States with my two little girlies and long suffering husband. Co-author of hilarious parenting book Cocktails at Naptime www.cocktailsatnaptime.com
My mom's an Austrian, my dad's a Brit, which makes me a Britaustrian, or possibly an Austrish?