Well, I have a great new job as a sex toy reviewer, and was just perusing the site I'm working for when my six year year old daughter Scarlett comes up behind me and looks at the site. I was filling in this form on it so I didn't immediately close it down. She said, about the vibrators: "Wow, those are some really cool pens. I really want some for Christmas."
Then she saw this and said, "Wow, that's such a cool belt. What do you need the hole for? Is it to keep the pens?"
"Er, yeah." She's a smart kid. But I realized it was time to close down the site.
Apart from tramatizing Scarlett, I have also put my life in peril. I went to visit a couple called Mike and Tiffany yesterday who have caught a really nasty disease called Mercer Staph which is pretty resistant to antibiotics. The husband developed this spot on his leg and he didn't think much of it, then it became redder and then a red line started to make its way up to his heart and he thought, "Fuck!" So he went to the hospital and the doctor told him he had Mercer, and the spot was a boil and under it was masses of pus. If left untreated it would have killed him! The doc scraped the boil out, a deep crater - without anaesthetic. Absolute horror show! And now his wife has a small boil too. God it's so scary. Reminds me of the plague.
I'm not a hypochondriac, but since hanging out at their house I constantly check my body for boils. This is a public service announcement. If you find a large spot on your person, run don't walk to the nearest doctor. For more info go here.
John and I are also kind of regretting that foursome we had with Tiffany and Mike a few weeks ago. It was fun and all but we're just hoping something nasty doesn't erupt anytime soon.*
*that was a joke