"Did I tell you what Brandon can do now?" Bragging Mom asked me yesterday, as she accosted me at the school gates. "I can't tell you how easy my mornings have become since Brandon (5) learnt to get himself out of bed and then make his own cereal and quietly switch on the TV. It frees me up to put on my orange pancake makeup, as well as allowing me to indulge in a quickie with my Ken Doll husband who, as he enters me, cries, 'The Eagle has landed!'" Actually, she didn't say that last bit, but from her inane smile, I knew that's what she was thinking.
You never have a comeback at the time, do you? Well, yesterday I did.
"That's great," I said, "but can Brandon use the DVD remote?"
"The what?" she said, looking flustered.
"Yeah," I said coolly, "Scarlett (5) knows all the functions now. Fast forward, pause, eject, play. She just gets up in the morning, slips in a DVD and her and Sausage watch Chitty Chitty Bang Bang, while I drag my sorry arse out of bed."
She shuffled off, and I savored the victory of trouncing her for once.
Oh yes, Scarlett has finally, finally, mastered the DVD remote, and now I can sometimes read more than two pages of a novel, file my nails, or even read an article on Multiple Orgasms 101 without Scarlett screaming, "Mommy! MOMMMMMMEEEEE! How do I get this DVD to play?"
It's heaven, it's bliss. I have so much to be thankful for.
My encounter with Bragging Mom got me thinking about all my personal goals and how they have all been ticked off.
A few months ago I was:
2. Obsessed with chocolate. If I dropped an M&M on the pavement I would pick it up and eat it. I had a serious problem.
3. Waiting for Sausage (3) to start going to pre-school every day.
4. Waiting for Sausage to grow to the required height to be able to go into the IKEA daycare room so that I could shop in peace.
1. A reformed couch potato with a smoking body and an urge to work out at the gym.
2. No longer obsessed with chocolate. I went into a shop just now, thinking I might buy myself a bar. But NONE OF THE BARS APPEALED TO ME. I ended up buying a package of prunes. Prunes! I no longer have a craving for chocolate. Someone must have rewired my brain or something. It's so wierd.
3. With nothing to occupy my mind while Sausage is at school in the mornings (Scarlett is at school until 3.30, when she is delivered to my door on the school bus).
4. Able to shop at IKEA in peace because Sausage has reached the required height.
It's all good, you're probably thinking.
But it's not!
I find that now, with all my goals achieved and with both kids at school, I'm bored. Yes, of course, now that I have my incredible new body, I've thought of taking a job as a pole dancer. But does anyone know of a club that operates during the pre-school hours of nine to twelve?
It's a very desperate situation.
I have nothing to worry about! Nothing. Not even a chocolate craving to keep me busy looking down the back of the sofa for lost dimes so that I can rush out to Seven Eleven and have a chocolate binge.
I've got to the point where I'm desperate for some form of anxiety high. In fact, I'm going to have to ask you to offload your problems on me, so that I have something to worry about. Which is quite sad, when you really think about it.
So, anyway, has anyone got any juicy problems they want to share?